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[personal profile] missingopossum

Today anxiety is one blank, black wall of work and friends and people and obligations and uncertainties and things that need to be done and things that need to be done before other things and conditions that need to be fulfilled before *other* necessary things can happen. It's my heart racing, and sweating heavily, and fight-or-flight, and vision all flattened and thin. It's a forbidding, undifferentiated mass of things that are in the past and belong there, or that are in the past and I wish they weren't, or that are in the future and being longed for, or are in the future and dreaded, or that need to be done *right now*, or that need to be done and then need to be done over and over again. There are places I want to be and places I don't want to be and people I want to talk to and people I don't want to talk to and a whole complex interconnected web to be navigated and negotiated when I can barely cope with simple, linear sequences.

And at a more prosaic level, today anxiety was looking at the various things that needed to be done today and trying to break it up into manageable portions. Having eventually undertaken the mental gymnastics of creating a sequential list I found myself completely unable to attempt the first item on it because in the depths of anxiety that one simple act had ended up representing *all* the many and varied items mentioned above. And when I say *all* I mean it; the first act on today's list was finding clothes fit for the sudden cold weather and I just couldn't do it. I kept going to the shelf where I keep jumpers and so on, and not being able to find what I wanted, and then having to stop because being unable to complete that one simple act meant that I'd never be able to do any of it.

So, today anxiety was a sequence where I needed to find clothes before I could go out to do some exercise so that I could clear my anxiety and get my head into gear for being able to work later on; being able to work is important because if I can't do that then I can't clear bills or pay for anything and *that* clearly(!) means being a failure in life. And from that sequence follow the equation that "can't find a certain warm jumper = being a complete failure." It's actually got a certain humour to it once I'm out of it, I must say.

But it does end, and I am out of it - which is why I'm writing this. It was an unprompted anxiety attack, not attached to any real stimulus or reason to be anxious - and I'm finally learning some ways of dealing with same. This is an unqualified good thing and worth recording!
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missingopossum: (Default)
Missing Opossum

April 2012

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